I didn’t want bangs, but I got bangs. 

Yesterday was day one of taking Zoloft. I got a full nights rest and when Mark and I were talking I was able to stay really calm. My mind didn’t start spinning and my heart rate stayed regular. I did feel nauseous though, which my doctor said was one of the most common side effects. It wasn’t really bad though. It’s warn off now. I’ll probably take it in a few hours because it takes a bit to take effect.

I think this was a good/big step for me. I feel like it’s easy for people to say they need something, but when it comes to actually going to the doctor and talking and admitting you can’t do it on  your own, it isn’t an easy task. I felt like an idiot and I felt like I sounded crazy, but I’m hoping this works out for me. 

(Source: vertebraevineyards)

My boys. #ringovarminskibrown @markdeezle #sleepyheads

It’s like everything is okay and I’ll just be doing my own thing, like watching a movie or painting or folding laundry and then the thoughts come rushing in. All these horrible thoughts and it overwhelms me. My heart is beating so hard that it effects my breathing and I find myself gasping so hard for air. At times it takes all my will power to refrain from crying, otherwise the tears just come out of me as if I were a water balloon that someone poked holes into, and I look like a dribbling fool, just another emotional little girl who can’t control her emotions. And I hate that. That’s not who I want to be. Why can’t I simply be okay? Why must I panic at every little insignificant thing? And I want answers but I don’t like the things I hear, so it gets worse and I never thought my heart could possibly beat so hard. And the thoughts don’t stop racing. I can’t get them to stop. My breathing slows down finally though and I’ve taken in so much air that I’m light headed and finally pass out at four in the morning.
These are the nights when I’m alone.

Looks like I’ll be starting anxiety medication this week.

I severely need more self-confidence.

(Source: vertebraevineyards)

I love you and if I was there right now I would give you the biggest hug. If you ever need anything you know where I am, I wish I was home with you ♥

I wish you were home so badly :( it sucks not having you here. You are my only friend that has ever been there for me through everything, even when we’d get into fights. I love you so much Sarah. I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life.

I am so alone and sad right now. I have been up since 5AM and crying all day. I’ve been throwing up my guts with all this stress and worry I have. And the person I love isn’t talking to me. I don’t know what to do with myself.

(Source: vertebraevineyards)

Everyone’s got baggage.

(Source: vertebraevineyards)

Help.

(Source: vertebraevineyards)

(Source: vertebraevineyards)

@markdeezle makes cute faces while eating his ice cream birthday cake 😊

(Source: vertebraevineyards)

(Source: vertebraevineyards)

I’m over the crying and self-torture I put myself through. I just want it to stop. But it doesn’t. I am so sad right now. I have to get up in an hour for work too. This is awful. My mind is so scattered. I have so much to get done this week. I’m scared. Just really scared.

(Source: vertebraevineyards)

But I’m debating whether or not to share.
It’s very personal.
It’s very scary for me.