Do you ever think about so much and then suddenly your mind goes blank?
This is happening to me right now. It happens too often. I am thinking about my best friend. I am thinking about my boyfriend. I am thinking about how much money I have in the bank. How my tattoo will turn out. How much homework I have to get done. How I want to spend time with family and friends, but since I have homework, I cannot. Then they get bummed because I cannot see them which makes me even more bummed then I was in the first place.
Now it’s come to the time that I actually have to sit and focus simply on my homework and my mind is going off in all these directions and all I want to do is write my thoughts and now I’m just like, what is happening? What should I do? I do not understand my homework even though I actually do. At the moment it seems like I have never even heard of any of it. I am going to try and do it though. Even if I have to stay up all night. I want it done by Sunday night because I want to be able to actually get sleep Monday night, since school starts for me on Tuesday.
Hi again. I hope you do not get mad at me for wanting to message you again today. You responded even though I told you not to. I knew you would. I am glad you still love me. Because I am not sure what I would do if I lost another person I love. I often think about that. What I would do. I feel like I would not do anything. Just go numb and be still and my eyes would see nothing yet everything and the world around me would continue on while I feel myself slip into nothing. But I do not know. I do not want to do anything drastic, because I really do like living and being happy.
I constantly think about what I’d do if I saw you. I have come up with several scenarios. I know I would not be able to actually follow through with them though. I wish I would. Sometimes I imagine myself yelling at you if I saw you. I see myself with a stern face that will capture your attention and saying
"Will you just fucking look at me? I am your best friend. Stop acting like I am just another stranger. Stop acting like I never existed in your life. Grow up and just talk to me or say it to my face. Say you have had enough of me and to go away. Don’t just leave me here wondering if I will I ever see my best friend again."
Then I would start crying probably. Even though I would not want to. Because I want to seem strong. Strong enough to be without you. But I am not that strong. Because I want you in my life. That is a hard thing to fake. You mean too much to me.
I also have imagined myself crying right from the start and not speaking a word. Just running off to anywhere that I can hide from you so you don’t see me cry. It is hard to see you and not cry. I just think of all the good times we had together. I think about when we went to the Renaissance Faire and when we made donuts with my donut maker. The one time that you and I were the only people at Famous Dave’s when I took you there for your birthday. I think about Sex on the Beaches and how we would sing that at work. I miss having you at work. We would get so slap happy and it was worth getting in trouble.
It is hard to think I will never have that with you again. I keep imaging all the great things you will do with your life. It is really amazing and everyone loves how much energy and happiness you hold and put into your work and aspirations. It makes me smile. I imagine it through the lens of an unsteady camera man. That probably seems weird, but it just adds to the amazingness to me.
I had more to say. I am constantly going through thoughts in my head. I will probably think of them again. I am sorry for messaging you and I hope your day has been good and you are having fun during greek week. My mum bought chocolate donut stuff for my donut maker. I hope you will want to see me again so I can make it with you and not by myself. It was very fun last time.